Getting wierder

The birds are still there - they were waiting for me when I left for work this morning and were still there when I got home just now.

I think that they are sizing me up to work out how many of them it will take to carry me away!

Don't look up

I think I've just stepped out of real life and into a film

It's all gone a bit Hitchcock here

As I got out of my car just now hundreds and I really mean hundreds of starlings flew over me and settled into the tree opposite my car. Then as I shut the car doors they flew over me again and are now roosting on my roof. If I'd raised my hand while they flew over, they would have hit me.

They're still there, watching, waiting for me.

I never before thought I looked like Tippi Hedren, but maybe I do!

Needed a break

I haven't written here since June but I have sat down lots of times to write and then just not been able to.

I hadn't realised just how much the loss of my dad would impact on me - my outlook on life has changed and I can't see the point in working myself as hard as I used to when you never know when life will be taken from you or your ability to do the things you want will be taken away.

I'm seriously considering a change of career or to look at cutting back on my responsibilities at school - I need to get more time for just me.

I used to work for hours outside of school and usually the summer break would see me doing lots of school stuff, but this year I didn't start doing any school stuff until two days ago and I haven't spent more than 2.5 hours in school, wheras normally I'd be there for days.

I did feel guilty that other people were doing the jobs I'd normally do, but I just didn't care!

As a family, we're adapting more to dad not being here and are starting to think about memorial stones and so on. Mum's definitely showing how strong she is and I've really enjoyed the fact that I went and stayed with her for a week and then she spent a week wth me - we both needed to spend time away from home - we talked lots about the past and the future and it did us good.

Got a bit upset yesterday - I was sorting my dry cleaning out, suits ready for next week, and I decided that I needed to clean the suit i wore for dad's funeral. As I was checking the pockets, I came across some rose leaves that I'd put there because they'd fallen off of the rose I put in dad's grave - for that few seconds I was back at the funeral and that was quite upsetting.

I still have those leaves and now I wonder what to do with them.

It's now a couple of weeks since I wrote the above and I'm back in the swing of work although my attitude is still different from this time last year.

Week 3 starts tomorrow and i'm sort of looking forward to it - the teaching bit that is, the rest is just a chore. Anyway I'll try to write here a bit more regularly now.

Loss of enthusiasm and patience.

I have no inclination to do anything at the moment - I've been meaning to update here for a few days but just couldn't be bothered to do it.

I'm going to work but only because I have to - I'm getting no pleasure from my work, not even with the classess that I used to look forward to teaching.

If I could stop going to work tomorrow, I would and wouldn't have any regrets.

I find pretty much everything to be be annoying - I have a short temper but lately it's even worse and some people have gotten the rough end when they didn't deserve it (some did though!).

Ironically what I most need to be doing now is keeping busy, because when I sit doing nothing I start to get upset - I know it's important to let myself grieve, but it's so painful.

Today's obsession is the fact that I can't remember what Dad's voice sounded like - at times I've almost got in my mind and then it slipped away. The same's happening with dreams, I know I've dreamed about Dad but when I wake the actual details are gone which is so frustrating.

At other times I'm numb, I just don't feel anything about anything and I feel guilty about that.

C's moved house now and she really wants me to visit but I just can't face company at present - I know that she won't care how I am but I can't get up the enthusiasm to do it or even to work out how to get to her new place.

Come tomorrow it'll be a month since Dad passed, it only seems like a couple of days ago - I can picture so clearly how I was holding his hand when he left us and then how I sat with him afterwards on my own for a while just talking to him.

I talk to Dad a lot during the day, when I'm at home there's always a photo nearby that I can chat to - that probably sounds nuts but so what.

I want my Dad back.

Some thoughts

Since my dad passed away a couple of weeks ago I've really not seen the point in doing any thing.

Most of the time I manage to keep life ticking over, but sometimes it just seems pointless - my dad worked hard, never hurt anyone, was kind and gentle but in the end wasn't given any more than 59 years of life.

Anyone who's read this blog knows that I used to work a lot and my work was a major focus in my life, but at the moment I don't care about it at all - I go in and teach my classes but without much interest or enthusiasm.

I'm strong most of the time, but sometimes the stupidest of things can get me crying - a line in a song while I was driving home this evening had me crying for the rest of the trip - I can't remember the line now but it was enough.

I know that the wounds are still fresh and the fact that yesterday was Fathers' Day hasn't helped, but I can't get up the drive to care about anything at present except that I miss my dad.

I know that I should focus on the happy memories and the good times I had with dad, and most of the time I do - but I want there to have been more memories, more good times, more happiness, just more of him.

Upset again now, so I'm going to stop.

take care

Sad

Dad,
I'm pleased that you're not in pain anymore, but I'm already missing you.
You can sleep now but one day we'll see each other again.

Sleep well.

Relieved and cooking up a storm

Dad doesn't need the blood transfusion - he needs haemaglobin which he's getting today, but apparently he looks 100% better than yesterday. He had fluid on his lung which they've drained today and that seems to have helped.

Right now I'm cooking like a demon - I think I may have used most of the cooking equipment I own, every hob is busily doing something and the smells wafting around are yummy. The only hitch is that I don't own quite enough containers to freeze all this food ready to transport to dad tomorrow night - I guess I'll have to eat some for my dinner tonight.

Keep getting better dad.